There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
