GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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