I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
