I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I still have a little drunk in my system
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
