He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
