Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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