my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
