I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
