he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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