Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
