I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
