Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
