watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
