I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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