I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
