Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
