i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
