my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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