Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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