my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
