We won't sleep together?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i drank out of a bidet.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
