Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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