Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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