I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it's like iHOP with fire
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
