: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just blew my weed a kiss
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
