i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
