I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
