I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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