Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
