also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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