Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
