New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
