Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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