I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
