party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
