I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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