some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
