Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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