hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
