Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
