gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
