No, drunk sperm still make babies.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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