The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
