On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
