I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
