I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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