SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm passing your future prison.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
