i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
