It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
