so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
pray to the hookup gods
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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