Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
