I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
