honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
