Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
