you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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