I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
