that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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