If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
